i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
