so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
