I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize