i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
