I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
