just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
