We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
