you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
