My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize