o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
