Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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