Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
