i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You ruined the universe
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
