just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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