I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
