you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
