So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
