My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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