And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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