Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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