Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The Olympian is in my bed
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
