Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
