it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
