who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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