Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize