I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
