I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
