He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
