Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
