I looked at my own cervix.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
