im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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