The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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