I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
