Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
