He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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