Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
