My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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