3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
