Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
