im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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