I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
