Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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