Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
