I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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