Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
