he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
