Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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