I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
