we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
