im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
