dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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