I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He shit in the fireplace
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
