a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
