i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
