He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
