hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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