dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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