god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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