Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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